https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava daily 0.75 2025-12-17 https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/clearing-the-pipes monthly 0.5 2025-12-17 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/fc74f001-0673-4827-8b62-9f62062c4a11/lime+reen+one.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Clearing The Pipes There you are in your usual pose. I am sitting in the kitchen on a brand new bench my mother bought for our kitchen table. My father is playing his music loud on the speakers. The door to the back is slightly open for when the dog comes snuffling in. I am desperately trying to concoct some sort of artist fervor. I try not to think about you. I failed, of course. Many times for many months. What is funny is this could apply to so many people from the past. Forgetting is my double edged sword. Never when I want it to be. Something about a quote from a poem that has now slipped my mind. I am doing alright. I once again came to a conclusion that was met with my own fear, a trepidation-that of admitting to feeling happy. Or at the very least proud. I've been exploring a few different aspects of myself and my life. I have finally started selling my art in some capacity. I have no idea whether it will be even the least bit successful and yet I am ridiculously excited. There is nothing more satisfying than getting to hold pieces of your art in your hands. I love the things that I create. I have landed a semi professional job. I have saved money and consolidated debt (which is neither here nor there. Lets not focus on the debt. I never do). I have made spreadsheets and a to-do list. I have made friends. Some that I very much truly enjoy. I have let go of some things. Held on to others. Done both to the same memories. I am what remains. https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/strangers-forever monthly 0.5 2025-05-07 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/522970e8-2f71-4d9c-bd00-04fa4c1a24fa/IMG_4911.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Strangers Forever - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/66e0276d-274d-4cdf-96c4-dfb61a3d09f5/IMG_5026.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Strangers Forever - And yet again there is always a return to words. Richard siken was really right “The vocabulary of joy is grunts and moans and the vocabulary of loss is the dictionary” Trust trust trust. In the end I think it may all be about trust. There is something ridiculous in the concept of trust in inherently truthless situations. Alanis morisstete would probably have something to say about it. Trust in yourself, in others. In your lovers and enemies. In your friends and family. In your bosses and skills. In your news and in your politics. If we rounded up all that was said i'm not sure how high the percentage of truth could be. Id reckon not more than 80%. But a lot of things have been said. It's like thinking about the idea of only being 5% of peoples type. In the grand scheme of the population that's still millions. 20% of lies in the whole of human existence still stretches further than I can imagine. My life has probably been comprised of at least 50% truths. I often lie to myself. It's a futile engagement obviously-i know what i am doing. Denial is easier. You can get lost in the water or in the sand. Grains and drops. Miniscule measures. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/5057ea90-1dcb-46da-b61c-f4a4c232bc14/IMG_5100.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Strangers Forever It's been a while since I've gotten this strange and withdrawn. The other day I was talking and reflecting on my first two years of college. I'd never taken the time to truly acknowledge just how hard I was trying and how much growth I have (hopefully) done since. I was talking with Nick the other night and in response to whatever rambles he said “I bet you just think things all of the time that have no basis in reality” or something like that. I'm not sure I quite understand the idea of not putting weight into my wild spirals. Everything feels like truth. But my concept of truth bears many similarities with the idea of inevitability. I still refuse to believe that people can care for me or want the best for me. Moreover, I am still incredibly childish. I still bear marks and inclinations towards resentment and petulance and the satisfaction of passive aggressivity. Of bringing someone down to my level. My tendency towards ‘revenge’ of course is rooted in the slights I have created in my head. I just feel sad and insane as of late. and I feel very very afraid. As for the toxicity-i haven't figured how to get out of it once i'm in. I have created the problem we all knew was coming-i have ruined any safe haven I had from the complexities and interpersonal situations I get myself into. I want no one to see me. I want a day of obscurity. Of sleeping underneath the desks in the basement. After all this time i'm still always caught with my ear to the door. And always the only person getting hurt by it is me. The burden of answers and the shackles of why. How to live and move past that which i am not allowed and not supposed to have. How to grow up. How to grow up. Continually i am afraid of what i want. I play a game that doesn't exist like one passes through a laser field. Almost imaginary-wholly dangerous. https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/the-oh-shit-factor monthly 0.5 2024-09-03 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/54fa8887-a05a-4bf0-a11d-69bf916157d3/IMG_7455.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - The “Oh-Shit” Factor The point of this blog post was once rather clear. I had an oh-shit moment at work the other week. Someone came in who too much resembled echos of the past and it felt like i immediately fell into old patterns. It is easy to forget how prone i am to forgiveness at all levels. How much i excuse to answer to the cravings of love and closure. I imagine a person in a certain way in the reflection of a plane hull. But that is always in motion and blurry around the edges. Never something one is able to grasp. That interaction prompted the idea of this ‘oh-shit’ factor. The one that comes when you are presented with something you thought you had moved on from-only to be absolutely punched in the face by triggers and that which is not fully resolved. It is easy to project and protect (with) a cultivated and practised ignorance. For me this is very much an unconscious and instinctive act. The entire year has been spent working towards myself-especially in the arena of connection with what i feel and how i feel it. It started with a question thrown at my therapist whenever she asked me to describe my emotions. “Linnea literally what does that mean? I don't understand what you are asking me-what does it mean to feel emotions ??” The idea of being in tune with one's body-and moreover the idea of even wanting to be-was foreign to me. I have made lots of progress (i know because Linnea told me i have :)) But have still only just breached the surface of what it means to understand myself on that level. So this was intense for me, and sent me into a mini spiral. Already I have change swirling around me. Moving and packing and sorting and donating (i am a lover of things-getting rid is the hardest thing known to this man). Goodbyeing and preparing. Savouring and being scared. That can take a lot out of a girl. However, while all of these heightened emotions were happening the past week or two-i have now come to the point in change where my body no longer accepts nor acknowledges it. I am a creature of habit and somehow also a creature of change. I find strength in adaptations and accommodations. I love to bring people together and bring joy and connection in the process. Moreover-i am good at it (conquering the fear of acknowledgement of joys and strengths being a bad thing). Thus, when arriving at big changes my body takes to immediate acceptance of my situation (with a few notable exceptions). That rule seems to apply heavily in physical displacements. I adjust quickly to the mindset of being where I am (however I have less control of the mind's tendency to wander towards the past). With the idea of separation from my body's experiences comes the lack of acceptance and attention towards the feelings which spur my ruminatory mind. This also comes with its share of impulsivity. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/8d10a7ef-484b-4c3e-9356-3e5f345469df/IMG_7071.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - The “Oh-Shit” Factor - That act of backsliding and remembering and the bliss of practised ignorance There is something interesting to be found in the changing of acts (a in reference towards a poem I made while in the air coming home from my study abroad) “Did you know you can get lost in life? Fall between the cracks of the couch cushions found in the changing of acts. A play- A dream. You can imagine a home in the reflection of the plane hull wondering which way is right, The Sky or The Seat. Sit down in the uncomfortable jolting turbulence of that which you can't leave behind, while going towards that which is impossible to pass. You can only live within it now. Two lives, Which will be found?” That was over a year ago now. In many ways I created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Much of this year was not spent within myself but within the concept of maybe. Some vague idea of an imaginary idealised future. I was stuck imagining my life in the reflection of the plane hull-as though I never left my seat. True to my words it was rather uncomfortable. And yet as with chronic pain-we can easily become accustomed to discomfort at all levels. https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/on-getting-better monthly 0.5 2024-08-14 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/f4af8850-1182-466c-bdd2-17020aa7b361/IMG_6283.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - On Getting Better - The pain is endless, but so is the joy (if you let it be) Yet again on the subject of healing (not actually sure if i have a blog post regarding this-but i've had thoughts and musings and that's really all that matters) The idea of getting better can be an endless confusing hellscape. There are so many factors that contribute to overall contentment and well-being. Physical aspects-access to basic needs. There are the social needs, that of community and some intrinsically propelled purpose. You have to drink water-like all the time-and that's a really hard thing for me to swallow. In this day and age we add to the journey with mental health by inserting medication into the mix. I myself am someone who has lacked self discernment and am not trusting just enough to wonder if any effect of medication I take is actually a placebo effect. In reality I know that would not technically be bad considering if I feel something that means it's working. But enough paranoia can really take you out of any positive results. Moral of the story is it's hard enough to take care of oneself, and medication can have a two fold effect of somehow relieving some of that pressure while adding entirely new concerns. I have been toying with the big three of antidepressants for almost a year and a half. I give much weight to environmental factors and their role in the effectiveness of SSRIs and the like. As if, even if they are doing everything right in regards to my chemicals-if my environment is not conducive to that energy I will simply reject it. And as we have established-this year has been a hellscape in and of itself. It's getting better (if i let it). And along with this comes the acceptance of the effort of medication. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/e05a6ab8-917e-4805-a6ce-e623166ae84e/IMG_6318.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - On Getting Better All of this boils down to the idea of letting oneself be happy. Experiencing joy. Paying attention to and picking out the pockets of peace in a life. Accepting that you deserve it. In my life I have experienced my fair share of strife and relativity life altering events. I hear from my mother, my friends, my therapist-the idea that I am quite overdue for a break. And yet once admitting and spreading the news of my newfound happiness, I am being encroached upon by the fear of losing that. That it is fake or temporary or a facade. Thinking myself out of my own glee. Which is the common cycle. Thus the opponent to fear is belief. Belief in the idea that this is not something I am taking for no reason. Knowing that this is something I have worked so hard for. The idea of how capable I am. Realizing how much I do for myself and others that I never think to acknowledge because of how long I haven't. Breaking habits is disgustingly unjustly hard. Triggers are the enemy (as they usually are) (however there is probably an argument to be had for not seeing triggers as an enemy and having a healthy mindset towards them) (but I digress-for another time). That is a part of the fear. I have been thinking often of the title of Dali's art piece- “the persistence of memory”. It's quite rude of memory to fight for and against you. In that persistence there is not only the fear and possible triggers in an uncontrolled environment in the world-but also that uncontrollable world in your own mind. My brain puts a bag over my head and shoves me into a van every time I sleep. My dreams are either absurd, disrespectful to my healing-or both. And so yet again we come to acceptance, not only of the possible roadblocks, but accepting that you have built yourself up enough to take what is thrown at you-either through coping techniques or the mindset that even if this takes a second to recover from-you will be okay. https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/moderated-anonymity monthly 0.5 2024-07-03 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/fd47c301-0880-4c5c-9f5a-82557cc23f21/IMG_3615.jpeg Pronounced Ava Blog - Moderated Anonymity - If I had a nickel for every piece of media i consumed that was heavily ‘blog’ based, id have at least three nickels. probably more. Something that all of these do not have in common is their delivery of the subjects inner thoughts. One is a genuine blog-at times open to the masses yet created with no goal for fame or nontertiary. Another not being a blog but more of a consciousness, a journal, a hint of what’s to come. The third being on reflections in a professional sense, observations made under the guise of reporting. I am not sure what delivery methods say about their respective weight or validity. is something more valuable if not made for consumption? In the form i have chosen here i have a distinct lack of anonymity. Here you have access to so many aspects of my existence. you can see my soul bared in art-in pins, in pseudo-formal resumes. I am fully linked in, signed, sealed, and delivered. You can get here through my various social medias, creating a network that would be hard to extricate myself from. I am not sure who would come across this blog if not someone who knew me in some aspect outside of it. What does this mean for my expression? for what i am allowed to say? What was the point of its creation. I think its conception may be entirely sperate from its current existence (as is natural for any being that ebbs and flows-after all this is an extension of me). My year has been a fireball of sorts. I have never quite known where the next flame would ignite and lived in fear of that possibility. The embers have calmed. I have calmed. And to put it eloquently-life is so fucking weird. I have been a living telenovela. I am also so much more than i ever wanted to believe i was. I am independent and loved and soft and capable. I am tired and worthy and creative and cool as shit. I have also grown. https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/psychological-warfare monthly 0.5 2024-06-28 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/0ddd95c5-3d5f-446d-a8c1-89a4872a331d/kentuckiana.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Psychological Warfare - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/the-knowing-of-not monthly 0.5 2024-05-24 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/ef552b02-2d9f-4dba-9d1b-728b072d5dd8/liverpool+cathedral+n+me.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - The Knowing of Not - Written in a liminal space (literally?) ((metaphorically??)) I still can't decide whether I am a person who prefers knowing. Like most things I'm assuming it comes down to that of context and circumstance. Months ago I would've given a firm refrain of knowing being the most evil. That was in relation to my own healing path in a way. But what of knowing in relation to the world at large. Academia-lessons learned through experience. I love collecting experiences. Especially those I wish to return to. I got to return to a place this past week. “You can't go back to a place because of the love that used to exist there-but can you go back to a place because of the you that existed there?” In this place I have ledges and streets and buses and space. Wonderful glorious space. One that can just as easily be filled with a peaceful solitude as it can with the good company of others. I am continuing to grow in the face I have for myself. I still knock on wood and I still am terrified from time to time that I won't truly be able to find my place. I never know if it is better to talk to these fears head on or ignore them for the sake of my confidence. Something about doing it scared. I don't understand manifestation. Is it better to focus on the future that you do want and ignore the possible roadblocks and pitfalls? I try to take a come what may philosophy into account. Whenever I blow on a dandelion or wish on an eyelash I never have any specific goal or dream in mind. I trust that the universe-whatever force-will know what i want. What i most need and how i can get there. Hedging all of my bets with preventative measures. About knowing. Recently I was able to undergo some formal testing for my neurodivergent self-specifically related to adhd. In those tests they give you ones related to various elements of IO (relatively outdated but alas). In the verbal section i scored above average. Bonkers percentile or something like that. And while I am someone who may need to be heavily affirmed in relation to their intelligence-I still can't fully decide if knowing is better. In the non verbal i scored averagely which brings my bs IO composite to a general average. Is that even truly quantifiable? We are all so different-operating in various circles. It seems there is no definitive way to measure intelligence as it all depends on one's context. The idea of objective intelligence feels more boring to me https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/precedence-and-baselines monthly 0.5 2024-05-13 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/f9885e22-c6b9-4d69-8949-c2555347f065/IMG_1295.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Precedence and Baselines - A Carrie Bradshaw kind of summer When my hope was more than visible and could be felt within my bones. It looked very clear in my minds eye. This summer was to be about watching sex in the city in the comfort of a new surrounding space. Free from expectations, baggage, memories. I am surrounded again by those i can connect with. I try and i reach and i create and moreover-i succeed. I was always able to. I create enough memories so that summer and warm nights no longer smell like you. It is still young. I have time yet for such creation. I wonder what blogging is supposed to be about. if i take a page from Carrie Bradshaw (whom i have not consumed outside of the context of the Carrie diaries) blogging is my own form of therapy and catharsis. I like it-a public journal. if i take it from food recipes it is a way to divulge my greatest triumphs and defeats and how it led me to the best lemon meringue (easy joke-i don’t even read recipe websites). But what of me? On some level this is very much the cry into some void. I’ve always operated within my emotions on a social level to a certain extent. Whether through captions on an ifunny fandom meme, through private snapchat stories, or outfit of the day tiktoks. I think this speaks to the general distance between them and i. https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/blog-post-title-four-3pbea-ssy7g-h2j4a-8fnxt monthly 0.5 2024-03-22 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/26daceb2-c3ec-4755-bd68-06112b4d6e1a/IMG_7771.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - On Understanding (not quite) - Rewiring my brain: thinking about the things i understand and the things i don’t This post is something i have techinically been wanting to write for over a month i think. A lot has shifted in that which i understand adn that which i do not. Months are strange. Something about life truly beginning in march (couldn’t it be any other month?). 30 days ago my confusion was centered around love. The specific sub genre being the idea that it can begin again. That you can lose it. That it changes and things can be okay. I have a weathered wise persepctive on this now. Ive gone throufh quite a few stages. the one i have really been pulling for is hatred. true (fake) hatred. I fear i am coming to something more real now comprised of my flesh and blood. I am still in love. or something like that. Ive only ever had one love in my life so far. I wonder what the percentage is for people who only have one love. It is still hard for me to imagine anything like this love to start again. which is partially the point. At least for me. I was never someone who moved on easily. Claw marks and whatnot. I’ve been trying to desperately to change. As if i feign having an identity and knowing it, it will heal me by default. Ive always had a problem with the implementation of reflection. I cannot say i dont think-i think painfully and truly and cyclically. Its exhausting. and i never help myself through the act. I am confused about understanding myself. https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/blog-post-title-three-xrptf-3d6zb monthly 0.5 2024-02-26 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/c236f0d3-c3d8-4afb-a1d5-192efcfe9d81/IMG_7561.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - On Resisting the Urge - Ive decided no decisions can be made the week leading up to my period-the week during, nor the week following it. Last night i had something explained to me in a way it had never been before. I was calling around to the important people in my life to ask them to keep me from contacting someone very important to me. someone i’m not supposed to be talking with right now. This weekend a big wave of reaching out was swelling up inside me. finally i got ahold of my mother. I asked her to keep me from emailing - she told me not to. Then she continued “its crossing a boundary to reach out”. I’m not sure i ever took the time to truly examine the ramifications of my actions in that sense. It goes back to the idea of a selfish truth. Reaching out is what i want-that does not necessarily mean its what either of us would need. But then i still get confused because i then start to think about free will and exercising it. How we are not bound by anything. the rules are ours to make. But perhaps the boundary is the rule we made which means i then have to follow it. i have a chronically grey moral compass. I think i may often respect the rules the most only when they fall in line with what i think it right-how i wish to exercise my independent free will. Everything is a choice. to break the boundary would be selfish right? nothing good would come of it (or is that yet again the pessimist in me?). What if i just miss my best friend? I still save all of the tiktok’s or the posts that i would’ve sent to them. Just so the love has somewhere to go. (and just in case i can show them someday) I think of them when i apply for jobs and when i learn something new, when i read, when i write, when i stalk their various social medias. On resisting the urge. I’m not quite sure how i’m doing it. I think it continues to slip out of me in small ways. A post here, a post there-just another quick glimpse at a Pinterest board, oh just an inconspicuous blog post (i don’t even know if they are looking). I am so wholly afraid. So wholly unsure. What if it is good, what if it is good, what if it is good. Im not even sure i would be reaching out because i want their comfort-i would be reaching out to remember that they exist and we exist in the same world. And to just recount everything that reminds me of them. The ridiculously hard book quiz on a bookstore application that they would’ve passed with flying colors. The underground tiktok i saw where someone is showing off their thrifted books and there is the wizard of earthsea series. How i got 15 percent off at a thrift store just by being indecisive. I just ache. This is the human experience. Ive just made three normal people tiktoks. Sometimes i dont want to be a normal person. And yet here i go-continuing to resist the urge. (give me a sign universe? it worked the last time) https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/blog-post-title-two-rg9yw-da7tf monthly 0.5 2024-02-26 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/776d44e4-c05a-46c1-aa2c-e91960b11116/IMG_7491.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Shampoo and Conditioning - I want it to be about me (selfish) (true). What is better-a selfless lie or a selfish truth? ( i still want you to be speaking to me through the silence) The year of realizing things. That is how i decided to define the beginning of my 2024. I feel as though the sentiment is always true but sometimes in life you get catalysts for change and reflection. Things that push you from passive into active mode. I of course am constantly experiencing catalysts due to the nature of who i am as well as my big beautiful brain. More capacity to think-more capacity for crisis probably. One of the things i’ve come to realize so far is surrounding frankness. speaking your mind. saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It may come as a shock to all who know me-but i think i may be an upfront person. I think i like it far better than other methods of communication. I am diplomatic and kind when i can be-but overall i have taken to saying the things that i need to say. Speaking to my needs or acknowledging situations that must be acknowledged. It is nice. So of course in coming to this revelation-i had to then wonder what happened to make me so afraid in the first place. I believe i have been conditioned this way. I think i have only existed in a majority of spaces which fostered a lack of personhood-a lack of autonomy, and an aggressive lack of clarity at all times. The only way i understood how to survive was through evasive maneuvers. Through innuendo, through misdirection, through ‘reading between the lines’ (why are the lines even there in the first place if they are not what you are meant to read). This was apparent in my friendships of course- https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/1708825433789-3RT26PYI43ZXSZ782WLE/IMG_7612.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Shampoo and Conditioning https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/1708825317453-9PUA87E1NEZR6RXQHC63/IMG_7599.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Shampoo and Conditioning https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/1708825358336-SNI537LEFLM5VGNT6SWO/IMG_7610.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Shampoo and Conditioning - cookies from a bake sale for gaza relief (Copy) https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/1708825361939-MYPVQ0LBJY7LLUZ83LK1/IMG_7561.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Shampoo and Conditioning https://www.evamccaw.com/pronouncedava/delayed-gratification monthly 0.5 2024-03-01 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/65c8286d72e5c14037b4e39c/74be455a-2b37-46ec-a3c9-bb3f7791886b/IMG_7208.jpg Pronounced Ava Blog - Delayed Gratification (a dream deferred?) - did you know that good things come to those who wait ? but i am literally stalking your linked in. There’s a lot i don’t understand. And even more which i think i am conditioned to think i cant understand. there’s a lot we are not meant to do. i cant tell if society is meant for moving on or not. Bereavement leave-a day. There is a time and space for grief but its not here nor now but its definitely not then. its because they don’t want us to take a break. it often feels as though it would be a detriment to society if we didn’t-whether from a production standpoint or the point of that of social justice. either one deserves grace. you cannot fight nor work on empty. its hard. but this is about delayed gratification. i’m horrible at it. truly truly terrible. (i can be great at change if i so wish but only if i don’t think about it too hard). Whether its with packages or letters or birthdays or future plans or responses from grad schools or with your love coming back together (the person you love) . i have issues with control and trust. not sure if this may sound familiar to any of you. it can be pretty debilitating when it comes to how it affects the ones you love-on how it affects how you love. All i want is to feel protected and secure. to not always have to be strong (i am so strong all of the time). How does one let go of control enough to let that happen? Even when im vulnerable i’m not really. Anyone can still project on to me what they wish. Its not malicious. Its easy to see things that way. But i’ve lost the plot now. I am not good at waiting because its uncertain. I have no control-and even worse i don’t have the trust needed to know that everything can still be okay in the absence of absolute control. If i wait what if its different. what if its not what i want. what if it takes far too long. I often simply want things so desperately. There are probably few things i genuinely need. Is wanting over needing better? Lessons i’m trying to learn and whatnot. What if its good? I have never thought that in this context. it feels like some sort of betrayal. its not what my habits want. my bones and muscles ache from the exertion to think something like that. What if its good? What if the love is able to last because of this time apart? What would that look like. 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