It’s complex, It’s a complex

what if I decide to save myself ?

I am nobody. I am Odysseus without the great journey. I am trapped on an island of impetulance. Of course, the lifeboat to safety is right off stage just right where you can't see it. The orchestration of my own despair. Since the end of my masters nearly a year ago I have been a plethora of people. yet still less than I would like to be. I have been desperate and wanting and pathetic. I have been noble and proud and lovely. I have been wanted and disregarded. I have lied and been lied to. I have avoided and been avoided back in turn. I have chosen others far more often than ever choosing myself. 

Moreover, the main aspect of my character these months has yet again been that of missing. of missing people, places, and things. Using hypervigilance as a stand in for true connection. 

“lots of people love me, so what if you don't?” 

‘So what’ by MUNA. fitting for who I was at the beginning of the year. But how do you justify a lack of love from someone if you don't have anything else to fill that void. If you don't have immediate examples to the contrary-how can you believe you're truly loveable? 

I've been thinking about my locus of control. Historically I believe it has been externally focused. There has been a lot of inertia and duty pulling me forward through life. I can hardly remember the last time I truly wanted something. (in general i'm afraid to want things but that is a conversation for later.). 

The last concrete time I remember wanting something in totality for myself was when I applied for the second time to a study abroad semester in the UK. The previous year I had applied to the same semester, gotten in and even had paid the deposit. Barely a month before we were supposed to leave I backed out. no refund, no concrete explanation. I wouldn't be able to complete my degree in time. There were no applicable classes for me to take. Truthfully, I was scared. I wasn't ready for change. That drive had come out of a feeling of needing to run away. poison apples, poison worms. However, that summer I started crafting the building blocks that would propel me to who I became that year. The best I've ever been as a person really. I worked at a coffee shop and got to see the uk for a fling instead of committing right away. I sat outside on my porch improperly smoking weed out of a bowl. I lived with my parents and finally learned how to drive. I had two weeks of solo living when my parents went on a European cruise. I was alone, but more than that I was finally able to craft myself without an audience, without a mirror. I came again to the conclusion of applying for the uk semester. This time, however, it was running towards something. I had never wanted anything more, and so, I was terrified I wouldn't get it. because how could I ever be allowed to get something I wanted.

 “how many of us get chosen, even once, for something we truly want?”

Gilmore Girls quote from Emily and Richard's vow renewal. In a way I did get chosen twice, I just wasn't ready the first time around. 

the idea that everything happens in its proper time. something that is yet again, hard to see whilst you're in the midst of it. 

And so I miss, and I sit around in that, bathing in misery. I miss who I used to be. back when i applied for the semester sure. I think that could be the happiest I've been yet. More than this I miss who I was a year ago. I've hansel and greteled so much of who I am, putting pieces on the path so I wouldn't forget, but I've run out and I'm too far from home. I can only go forward. 

The solution is what it always has been-find some form of intrinsic motivation. find something that makes me want to get up in the morning, as opposed to just something I must get up for. a goal. a passion. it often comes back to passion for me. i'm afraid i have none.

But maybe I'm just playing the victim.